Man, I Love my Village!

Since becoming a parent, I can't tell you how many times I've repeated the famous quote, "It takes a village to raise a child."  This year that line is more true for me than ever.  Perhaps you've read my blog before and noticed huge gaps in time in between posts.  This is because I am BUSY!!  Besides the three kids and their three very different schedules, I have as always, over-extended myself with volunteer jobs and now I am working more than I have since Annalise was born.  It's a lot to juggle and I am feeling very overwhelmed at times.  The past two nights, I have put myself to bed before nine, which does not ever happen unless I am sick.  But I'm exhausted.  I'm having a hard time balancing it all, which we all know is where I fall short so often anyway.  It is a tough year, but I do have things in perspective.  I know how hard everything is for other people.  And next year, with Zachary in school all day and Juliette in two mornings a week, the juggling will become somewhat easier.  I hope! 

I think as Americans, we have this attitude that we have to do everything ourselves.  If we ask for help, if we admit that we need help, then we somehow have failed.  And so we often flounder on our own, not thinking to reach out our hand to the person standing just next to us to ask for help.  I have been guilty of this so much myself.  And then a wonderful thing happened.  A year ago, I had to have surgery.  And I had no choice but to ask for help.  My husband, my mom, and a multitude of friends stepped up and helped out in ways I couldn't even imagine.  They took care of me in so many ways: they made meals, and they took care of my children.  They recognized when I was trying to dive back in too early and pushed me back out of the pool and took care of everything for a much longer time than any of us anticipated.  What I learned through that was that people were not resentful for having to help.  They were not begrudging.  They were willing and happy to help.

This year because of my crazy work schedule, my desire to take a parent ed class with Juliette, Zachary's afternoon kindergarten schedule (which I wanted and asked for), my mom's crazy volunteer schedule being crazier than ever and occasionally Juliette's naps running overboard, I have had to rely on friends more than ever.  And my friends have been AMAZING!  I like to think that I am returning the favor, if not completely this year, than in the years to come as well.  Because the amazing thing that has happened is that I have found that my friends need me too.  One friend had to unexpectedly leave for a few days this week to attend a funeral.  In a matter of hours, through a few emails, her girls were completely taken care of for the week.  We all happily stepped in to take the girls to and from school, to dance classes and playdates.  Truthfully, it's easy.  My kids are happy to have friends over, I'm happy that they're happy and my friend can focus on being present at the memorial service and know that her girls are taken care of.

When I was a kid, I wasn't too thrilled to live in a town where everyone knows everyone else's business.  (My brother, as a first grader on his way home from school, throwing lemons at cars, really didn't like this.  My mother knew before he even walked in the door.)  But this same town where everyone knows everyone else's business, also supports each other.  Sometimes everyone's business is just gossip.  But sometimes it's knowing when a friend is in need and stepping up to support her.  This year, though I sometimes feel like a mooch, I know that my village knows that I am here to support them in their times of need as well.  My village kicks ass and I wouldn't change my village for anything.

Smelling the Roses

I have been generally ignoring all of my responsibilities lately, including writing in my blog. I had surgery a few weeks ago and the recovery from that has largely taken over my life. It was supposed to be a pretty simple surgery, but of course not for me! I ended up losing a lot of blood, having really low blood pressure and extremely low hemoglobin levels, a bad reaction to the anesthesia and two blood transfusions to try to remedy it all! It was more than I signed up for, and certainly it worried quite a few people. (But not me -- I was still kind of high from the anesthesia and Vicatin.) This week I am feeling so much better and was even able to walk Annalise to school today. That alone felt like a major accomplishment!

The whole ordeal has been very eye-opening and humbling for me. For the first time in my life, I really, really needed to depend on other people. And not just Jason and my mom, but really the whole village. My mom, of course, was a saint, and kept the kids for the whole time I was in the hospital and then the kids and me the following week when Jason had to go out of town. And she whipped that baby (who was still nursing the day before the surgery!!) into shape! She now sleeps on her own, in her crib, with little or no crying or drama. It's still unreal for us! (We keep waiting for the other shoe to drop!) Jason was exhausted going back and forth between the kids and me and taking care of all the odds and ends that are normally my responsibility. And then there were all the friends and neighbors who pitched in. Different people brought the kids home from school, kept them for playdates, took them to practices. People sent flowers, brought us meals, brought down our garbage cans, etc. etc. My brother came down from San Francisco for a surprise visit. Yesterday my friend Sarah and my mom paid to have our house cleaned top to bottom and inside out! If you've been here before you seriously wouldn't recognize the place! It's like a whole other family lives here! People have been amazing. And I've learned that people want to help and it's OK to accept help. It's been a good lesson for me.

At the same time, the mother of one of Annalise's good friends just got diagnosed with leukemia. It's been really devastating news, though she and her family have been incredibly strong and resilient. But that, too, has reminded me how much I have to be grateful for. Our lives are short and fragile. Our family and friendships are so important. We should appreciate it all! I will be stopping to smell the roses!

The Faire

So I mentioned that I co-chaired the faire at Zachary's school this year. That thing was a lot of work! It is a huge event and fundraiser. I'm happy to report that we earned almost $30,000. We were $5000 shy of our goal, BUT we were still almost $9000 over last year. And that's not bad. I know I bitched and complained about it the whole way, but the truth is, it really was a lot of fun. My co-chairs, Courtney and Julie, are amazing, fun girls and we had way more laughs than we did complaints. We worked well together, balanced off each other well, and were a great team. And our committee chairs were fabulous! They came up with new ideas; they questioned the way things had been done in the past and made them better; they were creative and innovative. They were awesome! The whole thing was a huge team effort that had all these separate pieces that all came together to make for an incredible day. In the end I was really proud! But I definitely felt a little weird when it was all over -- like a what now? kind of feeling. I miss seeing Courtney and Julie every day. And it was great to really feel like I was doing something to really help.

The whole volunteer thing is really quite new to me. I have done little things here and there, but nothing major like this. And that phenomenon is really an amazing one. It amazes me what people will do for no money, no paycheck, and often barely a thank you. Maybe it's because of how volunteering makes you feel -- like you're really making a difference, really helping someone out. I know for now it makes the most sense for me to be focusing my efforts locally, on my kids' schools, but I hope as they get older I will reach far beyond our community, and bring my kids along in that adventure. I can imagine how powerful that will be for a kid. Who knows where these volunteering gigs will lead for me. Perhaps someday it will land me a paying job doing fundraising for a non-profit. (I'll certainly build up quite a resume in the meantime!) Or maybe I'll become a "professional" volunteer, like my mom. So far I have found the experience really rewarding, and I look forward to my next assignment, whatever that may be.

Beach Day, With a Little Help from the Village

It takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to support a mom through a tough time or to help her take three small children to the beach! Some days I feel a little guilty because I have my mom so close by. She is able to help me often. Today she came along with me so I could run some errands. It was so much faster to go to the vacuum repair shop, the post office and the dry cleaner without having to haul three kids out of the car. Plus, I had someone to talk to who didn't want to run down plot lines of various movies or books with me. (Today it was ET and Grandma got to enjoy that while I ran in to do my errands.) Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it without her and wonder how she did it without the help of her family. I have resolved to stop feeling guilty about it, however, accept her help, and also accept that she and my children are also benefitting from the arrangement. I would have loved to have had my grandparents less than a mile away. How lucky my kids are that they get to have her so close.

Another person I am lucky to have in my life is my Aunt Nancy. Nancy is one of my mom's younger sisters, and also my godmother. She has always been special and important to me throughout my life. But in the past several years, she has become even more important. Five years ago, we moved my grandfather to an assisted living facility. Four and a half years ago, we moved him to a nursing home. A few months ago, my beloved grandpa finally past away. But in the meantime, we have had quite an adventure. Mostly my mom and Nancy were in charge of Grandpa's affairs, visiting him, etc. Their other two siblings live far away and weren't involved as much, so I became the number three guy. The kids and I went ususally at least once a week to visit him. And when my mom was out of town, Nancy and I would have the daily talk about Grandpa's status. And for a while, Nancy would stay at our house when she went to see Gramps. (She lives two hours away, and works one hour away.) The whole situation brought the two sisters closer together, but I felt closer to them both as well.

While I was pregnant with Juliette, I had some real ups and downs. It was a tough year for all sorts of reasons that I won't really go into here. Let's just say that some people in my life were not being very supportive. It caused me a lot of stress and worry. And then one day when I was twenty some odd weeks pregnant, with both Jason and my parents out of town, I fell. It wasn't a real bad fall, though my butt would probably disagree, but it did cause some spotting. I was upset and alone and didn't really know what to do. And out of nowhere, Aunt Nancy called. I told her what was going on. She said she was a little worried, she was about to go into a meeting and to call her back in an hour. I sat down at my kitchen table to tutor, and an hour later I looked up, and there was Nancy. She had dropped everything to come and take care of me. Jason was able to get on an earlier flight, and he was able to take care of the kids so that Nancy could take me to Labor and Delivery. Obviously everything was fine, but it was a scary situation. But in that moment of looking up and seeing her car out in front of my house, I instantly was transformed. Since then I have been able to mostly let go of the other not so good situation and realize how much I am loved. Now I realize that I have so many people who love me, who love my family, who support our decisions and who genuinely want to love and take care of our children. How blessed I am! I had been so busy dwelling on the negative, I couldn't see the love that had been right in front of me all along.

So last Wednesday, my mom and I decided that we had to get to the beach. (Yes, I said HAD. It's a real need. I swear.) We met Nancy and her best friend Dee Dee down at Dana Point. We went to a perfect little mothers' beach, with lots of soft sand and no waves. The kids had a blast swimming in the water, splashing, playing "lifeguard" and digging. Between the four of us, we were easily able to handle the three kids, taking turns sitting in the water, holding the baby and handing out sandwiches. It was perfect. I wouldn't have been able to take the kids by myself , but even if I could have, I wouldn't have wanted to. I had my two favorite "moms" with me and I feel thankful for it and not at all guilty.